So, I was on http://www.gaiaonline.com earlier tonight, when I decided I was going to show this shmuck what a total idiot he was, and started trying to get him angry. We argued back and forth, and his argument consisted mainly of "Fuck you, you're retarded." However, he pointed something out that I'm quite ashamed of. I'd dropped down to the level of a troll, and a bad one at that. I had become that which I claim to have no time for, that which I try to ignore most times I come across it.
I'm a White Knight, I come to the defense of Newbies in Guild Wars when people are taking advantage of them, I explain things to them, sometimes ten times if I need to, to try and help them, and I go into most situations in game with an open mind to meeting new people.
I don't do this in the rest of my life. I tend to mind my own business, and find myself looking down on others in a snobby, ignorant way. I'm judgmental, and command immediate respect from people, even when they have to earn it from me.
In trying to badly parody this pinnacle of every dark emotion in the human spectrum, I realized I wasn't doing anything different than he was, I was just masking it behind my own self righteousness. I help people in Guild Wars because in some way, it validates that I'm a good person to strangers. It shows that I'm a good person, in some small way, which excuses my general distaste for everyone else. This should change.
I should change, even in the way I act towards strangers. I'm a skeptic, and a realist, particularly in regards to other people. I always think that a crowd is out to get me, and that I'm about to get pushed, punched, etc. I'm afraid of the very world I want to try and protect. I don't even know how to go about solving it.
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