This is a little hard to write about. Even now my brain is still not settled.

My boyfriend and I hit our 11th-month anniversary today. But that's not what this is about.

Either this fall or spring, he's joining the Air Force. That's closer to what this is about, but not the whole issue.

The thing is...we're both afraid of settling too early. Of loosing our chance to be young, wild, crazy kids with a life ahead of ourselves. I'm 19, he's 23.

When he leaves for the Air Force, we're going to have a (temporary!) open relationship.

I understand the reasoning. The needs for adventure, to have fun... but even thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. The idea of him being with someone else hurts, in a way that I had never imagined.

The weirdest part is, neither of us are eager to do this. Yet we know it is for the best. Better now than 10 years down the line, where we'd be angry and bitter with each other. Even last night when he broke the idea, we were both curled up on his bed, tears on both our faces.

"Even now you're so beautiful to me." "I think it's impossible to me to find anyone who is more amazing than you."

Maybe it's an experiment where we know the ending, where we come back together, and it works, and we're fine. We'd be done with our wandering.

I love him so much. I just wish I would have met him at 25 instead of 18.