tl;dr, some thought's that have been plaguing for a while.

There are some days where I just want, very badly, to give up.

Life is not that difficult, no. But sometimes I get a little nostalgic for there days where I was part of a trio. Segen, Kyle, and I. We were pretty unstoppable, for a time.

I guess retrospect is a good thing to have though. Cause when I look back at those times I see just how fragile they really were.

I always liked Kyle more, and the problem with that is Segen - awkward, unconfident, pre-football playing, pre-woman chasing - oftentimes got left now. And I ignored his feelings for me. And chased after Kyle, who was handsome, popular, and completely uninterested.

I shouldn't say that. We did date for a long time. On and off, fighting, making up, ruining other relationships for each other... poor Segen got to suffer from that too, since after he and I started dating I got that magic phone call from Kyle that ended it. It was a sick, sick cycle, cause I fell in love and Kyle...well, he didn't really care.

And this was sophmore year. No 16 year old should have the maturity, or at least the pretend-maturity, to think of themselves in love. But I did, cause I was young and stupid and maybe I didn't know any better. Shortly after that Kyle and I broke up. He dumped me, with a text (a classy maneuver, I know, but not one that I'm totally innocent of either). I remember calling Segen, in tears, after that, only to find out Kyle was calming sitting in the other room.

I wish that would have been the end up it. But Segen and I got tangled up in some sick, physical, friends with "benefits" situation. I was too young and stupid to say no, or think of the consequences. Sometimes he did it for revenge against me, for being such a jerk for so long, and I let him because maybe afterward Kyle would help me out.

Halfway through that summer Kyle told me to never speak to him again. He had a girlfriend, one that he actually managed to like and care for. I was shocked - yes we were no longer together but we had stayed good friends up until that point. I wish I would have known the worst was coming.

Halloween - I will never, ever forget the one that happened that year. I ended up dealing with Kyle again, and obviously his animosity hadn't changed in the past months. He told me to jump off a bridge. He tried saying he was joking, that he was just trying to push my buttons, but I had had enough.

That was the last time I ever spoke to the man who had been my best friend, my first love, and up until the past 8 months, the boyfriend I had lasted the longest with.

Two years, four months. I wish I could learn my lesson and completely forget him.